"If you don't like being a doormat then get off the floor."
Al Anon
I've never done well around people with a victim mentality. I'm sure you all have experience with someone like this in your life: those individuals who are ALWAYS being taken advantage of!
In a job interview I was asked once, "what is your biggest weakness?" Without hesitation I chimed in with, "I'm impatient." This is very VERY true, and I have zero tolerance for doormats. When I hear the complaints the first time, I'm empathetic. When a pattern is established I am at my limit and always seem to find myself saying, "so do something about it then!"
Over the years I have come to the conclusion that there are some people in this world that get off on being a victim. They love the drama. They love the pity. They have some bizarre symbiotic relationship with this blood sucking person, and they are in denial. These people DRAIN me!!! I wish they would just wake up and realize... Person A (you) needs to be used. Person B (user) needs to use someone. You are perfect for each other so just shut up and quit trying to justify your socially taboo relationship to everyone!
I have been so much happier since I distanced myself from my doormat "friends". It was such a difficult thing to do. I hit a wall where everytime I would talk to these friends I would feel empty inside, like I gave them everything I had in me trying to problem solve their situation with them. In the end, they never did anything to rectify their "problem".
Why? Because there was no problem. I realized that they were so worried about being judged that they acted like there was a problem! They assumed my viewpoint when in reality I was just reacting to how I thought they felt!
I believe wholeheartedly that there are two types of people in this world: 1) people who are victims and 2) people who are owners. Victims and owners don't mesh well together. Owners, by default, will always try to get a victim to own their actions, choices, and results. Sometimes the victim comes around. Often times the victim does not. If the latter is the case, the victim must be cut off before the owner falls prey to a victim's paracite tendencies.
I urge you to assess the relationships in your life. Who you choose to spend your time with should be individuals who contribute positively to your well-being. Stand up for yourself. Be vocal. Set boundaries.
When someone is constantly draining you with the same issues with the same person or situation there is nothing wrong with putting your stake in the ground and saying, "If you don't like being a doormat then get off the floor. If you choose to stay there, I don't want to hear about it anymore because then it's your choice. If you need help getting up because you are ready to put a stop to this, then I'm here. Either way I love you, and I can't do this anymore." It might just be the wakeup call they need...
So, which are you: victim or owner?
And if you don't know which you are I'm here to tell you that you are a victim.
Now, what are you going to do about it?
"Definition of a victim: a person to whom life happens." Peter McWilliams
I love this topic. When I was younger I was a door mat. Now I'm a owner. I have someone who I knoow who is a doormat. I spend time trying to help this person see how they are being use. Now they stop speaking. It hard to watch this person continue let people treat them this way. My question is how do deal with it?
ReplyDeleteHello, April.
DeleteIt's hard to answer your question because people the situation could be a variety of scenarios.
If it's a matter of being used for money, resources, etc. my question is this: is there an issue because this friend says there is, or is there an issue because you see one.
If she says there is an issue, because she is always complaining you need her to help you understand if she needs you to just listen, or to fix it.
For me, I'm such an action driven person that I can only just listen to the same issues and mistakes for so long before it starts to drain on me and to take from my bucket. This is the point that I put distance between us and love from a distance.
Now, if there is a problem because you observe one, this is different. If this person isn't complaining about being whY you see as being taken advantage of... Maybe its because she isn't really being taken advantage of. Maybe she is simply giving with no expectations of getting back (blog #1).
And finally, if this is more than just a victim mentality and this person is a victim in the literal sense (being abused physically, sexually, or emotionally) it will take much more to help her. She is sick. She needs an intervention of sorts, a way out, and some emotional and spiritual treatment. She may be heavy on your heart because you feel purpose in getting her out. Build her up. Love her. Remind her how strong she it. But she needs to WANT out first, or she will relapse. For me, that's what it took to get out of my bad 8 year relationship, and when I had the strength and hit my limit, I was gone.
I hope this helps you, April.
Good luck!
Yes it does. I love this blog your doing. It nice to have a place where u can go to have discussion. Ask questions. Yes this person is not complaining well sort of. It little of both. What i see and some infornation is provided. Yep people need to want help. I do a agree with not let people drain your bucket. I have decided not to let my bucket get drain. Just because I think it time for change that person need to feel and know it time for change.
ReplyDeleteWhen he or she is ready for a change you will be there, my friend. That's when you step in and offer up your strengths!
ReplyDelete